To Live Is To Die
by phoenix-shalimar
Summary: one night, one stupid drunken night, i wish that i could take it back, just redo that one night... rated M for some content and just incase please R


hey this is my first time writing anything like this so please be gentle

Disclaimer: i do not and repeat do not own beyblade cos if i did would i really be writing these sorts of things? no i would be sitting comfortably in my mansion sipping on my coke and paying for my parents retirement and laughing at my brother who lives in a crappy lil house

Warning: there will probly be spelling mistakes in here so sorry for them, and this is rated high for some content in it, theres no swearing in it but there is other stuff, but if i told you it would give the story away so read and enjoy thats all from me

* * *

The only image that i have left of him, is the one of him walking away from me, away from me and out the door, out of my life away from my warm embrace and our heated kisses by the fireside. 

All it was, was one stupid mistake one stupid ass mistake that i have been beating myself up over it for the past 2 months, all it was, was one stupid drunken night that wasnt worth anything, nothing would be worht having to lose him.

I would give up anything and everything just to have him walk back into my life, to have him walk back through that very same door that he walked out of , i wish that i could take it all back, if only i could, if i got the chance to re-do one day, 24 hours,.

It would be that night, i would never have gone or atleast not without him, and i certainly wouldnt have gotten that drunk or even drunken at all, so many things that i wouldnt have done, but why think of them now when that night has well and truly been over for 2 months now.

2 whole months since i last saw him, i can still remember the look on his face as he busted in on me and rei, i can still see the hurt in his eyes, the anger on his face, but at that moment as he opened that door, i felt his heart break.

I just wish that i could be able to tell him that im sorry, that i love him and that it will never happen again.

Empty promises, thats all they are, words that hold no meaning to him.

_**::::::flashback::::::**_

_the party was in full swing by the time tala arrived, without knocking or ringing the doorbell he pushed open the door and entered nearly being hit in the face by a drunken lee who came flying down the stairs, side stepping lee who crashed into the door he continued on his way further into the house shrugging out of his jacket he layed it on a random chair and watched amusidlky as a drunked max shasayed up to him_

"_i wub you tawa i wub you" tala rolled his eyes at the drunken nonsense coming out of the teens mouth gently pushing him into the chair he continued on his way, to meet rei, well that and put down the bag of alcohol he had brought with him, vodka of course._

_Entering the kitchen he saw rei talking to tyson who was obviously quite drunk and kept jesturing wildly about with his hands and on several occasions hitting rei in the face, upon seeing that tala had entered, rei pushed tyson away gently and walked over to the red head_

"_hey tala, wheres kai?"_

_tala shrugged his shoulders_

"_said he had some work to do, and that he'd be by later"_

_nodding rei clared some room for tala to place the heavy bag down_

_tala smiled in thanx and slowly emptied out the bag, it seemed that rei wasnt drunk...yet_

_a wicked smile crossed the russians lips, rei stared at him wearily,_

"_you up for a game of shots?" tala said turning to him _

"_uh...ok?" _

"_thata boy rei"_

_tala placed two shot glasses beside a bottle of vodka, pouring each glass until it was just about overflowing_

_with a wicked grin tala quickly downed the shot rei following soon after, tala refilled both glasses and both gulped down the burning liquid, tala sighed as he felt the heat of the vodka slid down his throat and settle somewhere around his stomach,_

_yet again tala refilled both shot glasses by now he felt the familiar dizzying sensation that acompanied drunkness, tala watched as rei shot back the vodka and felt a stirring in his loins, the tiger was good looking he had to give him that,_

_he realised that rei was staring at him, he looked down to see his shot glass still full to the brim with vodka, he downed that and started on pouring another, 5 more followed and soon tala could barely pour the liquid into the glasses_

_everything was hazy and tala felt very happy, the neko jin beside him took the bottle out of his hands and for someone who was piss drunk poured it into their glasses almost perfectly with just a little spill they picked up their glasses and drunkenly saluted each other with their glasses and downed them, tala placed his glass on the counter _

_well he hoped it was the counter anyway he placed his hand on the side of the neko's face and ran his thumb along reis cheekbone, rei nudged into the touch and turned to face tala, a look of possesivness overtook the neko jin and he and tala both grabbed for each other at the same time, lips meeting._

_He felt the loss of touch from the neko jin and whined pathetically he hurd a chuckle in his ear which sent shivers down his spine_

"_come lets take this else where"_

_he nodded not wanting to talk, he felt someone take his hand and just walked behind them not caring where he was going he was practically pulled up the stairs and into a room_

_he felt himself being pushed roughly onto a bed, he bounched once before the tiger pounced on him kissing him roughly,_

_he felt the tigers warm lips press onto him, and electric spark traveled up his spine, kai hadnt touched him in weeks... kai ..._

_the name and image of his lover were soon forgotten when reis tongue slid inside his mouth darting forward to catch his tongue and then sliding back as a game of chase started, _

_with a whine tala tugged at reis shirt which was hastily removed as were the rest of both of their clothes soon naked bodies pressed together with an intensity that could start a fire, hands roamed and moans could be hurd as the wolf possesively claimed the tiger._

_As they both laid sated and breathing hard, their drunkeness still heavy in affect they grabbed for each other again tala rolled ontop and placed heated kisses down reis neck leaving marks that would let everyone know who had claimed him,_

_the sound of a door opening did not detir either of them from the passion and lust of each other,tala sat up as if he had been hit, looking to the door he gasped as he saw his two toned haired lover_

"_Kai!?"_

_**::::::end flasheback::::::**_

as the night played back to him he realised one thing, that no matter how much he loved his two toned blue haired russian lover, that the sexxii tiger would always hold a place in his heart and that no matter what, no matter how much he yearned for kai, he would still be pinning after rei.

But the matter of the fact was that he knew he could never have both of them, the other would not allow it and why would either of them take him back after what had happened, rei hadn't spoken to him since he left and ran after kai,

tala never realised how much he affected those two with his lovers embrace and heated kisses.

But if they walked back intop his life would he be able to choose? For he would only be allowed one of them and if so who would he choose?

Tala pondered on that one thought for the rest of the day, picking up a shot glass he looked at the liquid residing in it, he hadnt touched the stuff in months cursing it, blaming the drink for what happened, he closed his eyes for a few seconds as if thinking hard,

opening them he brought the glass to his lips once again he closed his eyes as he downed the burning liquid, he sighed as he felt the vodka trail down his throat nad settle down into his stomach he reached for the bottle that was sitting beside him only to find that it wasnt there anymore,

opening his eyes he sat up quickly and turned his head only to meet a pair of crimson eyes, his eyes widened and he stood, there infront of him was his two toned haired russian lover,well his ex lover now he guessed.

All he could do was stare at him all these days, these past 2 months all he had wanted was to see him again and now that he was here in his living room all he wanted was to be left alone he couldnt face him, he didnt want to be seen,

Tala turned away from the two toned russian, he closed his eyes and turned back around opening them kai was still there standing as still as a statue, holding the bottle of vodka, his eyes bore into him like a needle being slowly driven into his eyes,

with a cry his knees buckled and he let himself fall to the ground bringing down the small table beside the chair he had occupied, glass shattered around him some piercing his skin, he looked at the glass in amazement, then remembered the glasses that he lined up on the table as if he was expecting visitors.

He felt hot stinging tears prick at his eyes ashamed at letting kai see him weak he punched the floor continuously, angry at himself, he could feel kai watching him, just staring not even moving, he felt the sting of the glass bite into the flesh of his hand he ignored it and continued punching harder,

he knew that he must be bleeding pretty badly by now but somehow nothing mattered to him but pleasing kai, to atleast get him to move from his spot but nothing, he stopped punching the ground he looked down at his hand it was a bloody mess,

slowly he raised his head till he was staring into kais eyes, he saw in them a sadness, and a longing he stood up and swayed a bit, he slowly moved forwards each step seeming to be a struggle, just before he reached kai, the two toned russian turned away, and strode to the door, as if each minute he lingered in the house caused him more pain,

the door shut quietly behind him, Tala stared at the door as if in shock, he realised that this could be his last chance, ignoring all pain in his hand he moved to the door and ran after him, kai was much faster then him his long les carrying him further,he noticed that he was heading in the direction of the cemetary,

Tala's heart lurched wats going on? Why is kai going there? With a sickening feelign in the pis of his stomach he remebered how kai did nothing to help him when he was punching the ground and how he never moved and the longing and sadness in his eyes

"no?" he whispered

"it cant be, kai dead?"

sielntly he continued on following kai all the way up the gravel path, hurd the crunching of his feet on the small stones, he watched as kai turned and began walking along a row of headstones, still he followed.

Tala watched as kai kneeled down infront of a headstone, he watched as he placed the bottle of vodka he had opened just that morning beside the headstone,

Kai carresed the headstone infront of him as if it would make a difference his head bent tears slwoly poured down his cheeks

"its my fault all my fault"

Tala stared what was he saying what was his fault?

Slowly tala walked till he was standing beside kai, he kneeled down beside him, his eyes widened and he gasped as he saw what was written on the headstone

_**Tala Ivanov  
**__**1986-2006  
**__**beloved friend and lover  
**__**Rest in Piece  
**__**You Will Be Missed**_

"No!. No it cant be"

Tala stared it couldnt be,

"i'm dead?" he wondered

but then everything started coming back to him he never really remembered opening the bottle of vodka it was just there, nor had he felt the pangs of hunger or thirst he didnt eve remember opening the door to follow kai and now that he thought about it his feet never actually touched the ground,

he sat back onto the ground wondering, how did this happen? Why am i dead? What happened? How come i cannot remember?

_:Because you do not wish to remember_

a lilting voice floated down to him

:who are you?

:_you do not remember me, but i have been waiting a long time for you_

:who are you and why have you been waiting for me?

_:my dear, i am you mother_

he blinked

:mom?

He felt the person smile

_:yes it is me, let me take you back to the night_

he nodded

_**::::::flashback::::::**_

_he grabbed his boxers and pulled them on soon followed by his trousers he ran outta the room after kai, who was already at the door, he watched as the door slammed and kai was gone he ran down the stairs already sobering up_

_he pulled open the door kai was already across the road_

"_KAI!" _

_he stopped and turned,_

_Tala froze at the glare that was sent his way, but knew that he had to talk to kai who had already started walking off again,_

_he ran along the footpath trying to catch up to kai before crossing, he looked to the side and knew that kai was faster then him but he wasnt running fast it was like he wanted him to catch up, _

_without even looking he ran across the road towards kai, _

_there was a loud honking sound and then darkness._

_Kai stood there shocked, Tala was lying on the road 5 metres away from the car who hit him, in a blind rage kai stormed up to the driver of the car and started pounching and hitting him until he felt himself being forcefully pulled back, he struggled to get out of the grip of the person who was holding him,_

_he hurd bryans voice telling him to quit struggling, he stopped and just stared at the lifeless body of his lover lying on the ground._

_::::::**end** **flashback::::::**_

_Tala watched Kai, as he stood up, turned and walked off, if he didn't know Kai he never would've seen the small salute that he gave almost as if he knew Tala was there, _

Tala smiled sadly he knew he would never see him again, he knew that it was his turn to wait for someone, and forever he would wait until Kai joined him.

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ok well thats it i hope you liked it please review and tell me what you thought 

and about talas birthdate i jst guessed i used my brothers d.o.b so it would make Tala 20 years old

well i hope it was gud and if you could just please press the lil purple button and tell me wat u thought it would be greatly appreciated thanx

luv shadowphoenix101


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